Joanie Chanco: Kidnapper-Gamer Extraordinaire
by Kirby099267
Summary: The story of Joanie Chanco, a notorious criminal who kidnaps people for the sole purpose of playing video games with them. But is she really so terrible? ...that's not rhetorical, by the way.
1. The Blocks Fall Where They May (The)

Frank P. Stunlock woke up in a room he wasn't familiar with. the walls were lined with video game posters. Once he was done staring at Kasumi and Ayane's very large… eyes, he cautiously made his way downstairs. He found his way to a large room that seemingly contained every video game and console under the land's five suns. In the middle of it was a couch, and upon that couch was a woman wearing a yellow pikachu beret on red hair, looking and waving at him.

"Heeeeey, buddy-banzai!" said she, boisterously. "Name's Joanie Chanco, what's yours?"

"Frank. Frank P. Stunlock." said Frank, nervously. "How have I happened upon the here and now?"

Joanie replied, "Well, I drugged ya. Don't remember? They were fruit-flavored."

Frank reminisced, "That's right. I despise cranberry… Well, Joanie, I have business. I'll be taking my leave…" Frank headed to the exit, only to be stopped by a soft, yet firm rope joanie had thrown around his neck.

"This presents a problem." he responded.

Joanie wore an expression of disappointment. "Aw, c'mom, let's play some games! it'll be fun! I've got quite a lot."

"Oh, alright." Frank said with a sigh. He turned around, and the rope fell off. Joanie let out a short, but enthused "yay."

Frank looked at the multitude of games. he pulled out a game called _Tetris the Movie Starring Sonic_. Frank had never seen a game that didn't use punctuation before. "What's this?" said he. Joanie replied, "Oh, that one's a classic. It has the best story of either franchise, I.M.O." A red flag that she probably hadn't read the comics.(Author's Note: Seriously, the Tetris comics are awesome.)

They put the disk into the Wiistationbox 7 and played it. Frank went into options and turned anti-chunkation on, then pressed start. The game opened with an cutscene showing a silhouette of a mysterious, shady council talking about how they want to invade earth. Suddenly, the light turned on, and the council members were tetris blocks! "Shyamalan twist!" said Frank.

Then there was another cutscene, that showed giant tetris blocks falling towards earth, Poland to be exact.

"L-piece is my waifu." said Joanie.

"no, he's mine, you can't have him!" replied Frank.

The cutscene continued to show the polish people panicing. a heroic man stood and shouted "you can't stop me, geometric fiends! For I am Oong, the last tetris-bender!" Frank commented, "So, is he, like, the last guy to get drunk off tetris?"

It was then that the gameplay started. It was a normal tetris game, during which Joanie and Frank had a normal conversation about cat volcanoes. when frank completed it, there was another cutscene, showing sonic the hedgehog running down a hallway, apparently on a Tetrissian Battleship, smoking a cigarette and holding a baseball bat.

Sonic pulled out a phone and said, "Agent Oong, what's the situation in poland?"

Oong replied, "it's a little toasty… with extra cheese."

"Oh crap. keep on the bending, private!" Sonic looked at the baseball bat in his hands. "Dammit! Magic bat's running low on America Power. Only got enough for a few more shots."

"Shots?" questioned Frank.

"You'll see." said Joanie.

The gameplay started again, only this time it seemed to be a third-person shooter with sonic as the player character. The reticle was there, but sonic had no gun. Frank pressed the middle trigger, and sonic used his "magic bat" to fire a _Bleach_ -style sword beam, only the beam was colored white and red in the pattern of a baseball. "That's unoriginal." said frank. Joanie replied, "Be careful, 'cause that uses up America Power. You can tap the J6 button to do a melee attack that doesn't." "thanks for the tip." said Frank.

Frank and Joanie heard sirens in the distance. Joanie said, "Crap, you may wanna save your progress." Frank went to the pause menu and did just that. Joanie handed him a paper. "This is my contact information. My phone number, email, mugtome, twüter, and popchat. Don't get the wrong idea, though: you can't compare to my S.O. There are two motorcycles in the garage, consider one yours, and escape, quickly!" she said. The police sirens were getting closer, and Joanie was frantically packing suitcases. Frank did as she told him, and got the hell outta there. To Probably Not Be Continued...


	2. A Lemon Fic (Power is Power)

Episode 2: A Lemon Fic

"Power is power. Life is life. I am the walrus. Kukukachu."

-some guy named steve

As I walked home from space, I pondered the meaning of "skunk." Was skunk a force for good? Or a force for evul? I forgot about this when I saw a woman handing out free samples on the space-sidewalk. She had red hair and was wearing a green top hat adorned with yoshi's face. So I walked up and tried one of her delicious, strawberry-flavored… ...drugs. They were drugs. She stated out loud that they were drugs. Garsh, we're both denser than the CORE OF THE EARTH ITSELF, aren't we?

Anyway, yes, I was captured by famous kidnapper Joanie Chanco, who forces victims to play video games with her. I decided to play a game called _Attack on Lemons_. The box proudly stated that it had nothing to do with _Portal 2_.

"Eh, what's this game?" I asked Joanie.

She replied, "Mr. John Johnson, how could you not know of the masterpiece that is _Attack on Lemons_? It's the best game ever made, and it has nothing to do with _Portal 2_."

With that, she inserted the disc into the Super Genesistendo X and turned it on. The game began with a logo splash stating that the game had nothing to do with _Portal 2_. The story began with a cutscene of Pac man eating Ms. Pac Man. I screamed. Joanie seized the opportunity to break out her phone and record it. Once I finally came to grips with the carnage in front of my eyes, she said, "Thanks a bizzety-bundle, that'll help a lot with my metal remixes!" I said, "is this what life truly is…?" Once the game was done showing Pac Man's cannibalism in gory detail, the cutscene transitioned to Mega man X breaking into Pac's house and trying to kill him.

"Your hate crimes end here!" said X.

I said, "...why did i take this off the shelf…?"

Joanie retorted, "Dude, no, this is ART."

Pac man said to X, "I'll never surrender! Those citrusf**ks deserve nothing!"

X said, "The lemons deserve as much as us, and a lot more than you do!"

It was then that the gameplay started. Half of the screen was a bejeweled-style puzzle game, and the other was an action sequence between X and Pac man, seemingly affected by the puzzle. "see, this symbolizes how Pac Man sees murder as nothing more than a game." Said Joanie. Once I beat the level, Pac Man and X, both looking like messes, decided to call it a draw.

X said, "Don't think you're off the hook! I'll be back!"

Pac Man replied, "heh. I like your tacos, brosuke!"

X's eyes widened, and he said, "what the hell's that supposed to mean?"

Pac man walked up to X and said, "well, it's very simple…" Taking advantage of X's confusion, Pac man nonchalantly dismembered him. "Now, to the lemon colony! heheheh…" Pac Man said as he jumped into space.

The game then transitioned into a vertically-scrolling shoot-em-up. (like touhou or galaga) Pac Man had turned into a giant fist that shoots missiles made of candy.

I desperately inquired, "when can I go home?"

Joanie replied, "hmph! be that way! I'll revisit this masterpiece by my lonesome."

On that note, I saw myself out. ugh. yare yare daze. the end.


End file.
